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I would like to unsubscribe from being a parent. It sounds absurd doesn’t it, because surely that’s not possible and secondly I should not be saying such things. Yet it is how I feel. It’s how I have been feeling for the past 2- 3 weeks. And I have only just admitted it to myself out loud, if you can call writing it down as out loud. As crazy as it sounds it’s still true. I am tired. I am tired of coming home from work to start another one of being a mom. I am tired of not getting enough rest on the weekend because I was busy nursing Leruo or staying up late at night because he couldn’t sleep. It goes without saying that I love my son with every fiber in my being, he is the most precious thing in my life, yet me having to slide this in during this conversation is exactly the problem.

I once did a post on here about Mom Guilt, and at the time I thought it can’t get any worse than this. Boy was I wrong! The guilt that comes from feeling like this, from feeling impatient when I have a headache but the baby is throwing a full blown tantrum. From wanting to say screw this and walk out the door. Again I should reiterate that my son is the most important person in my life and the fact that I feel all this guilt and have not walked away should be proof enough. I also can’t help but blame society for this. Society has ingrained in us that being a mother is the greatest joy of life, which it is, and not normalised parents being tired of just that; parenting.

Larona, how dare you say you are tired of being a mother? You chose this! What kind of mother feels like they don’t want to do it anymore?

Is how I imagine a conversation about this would go. And my answer is gee, A HUMAN MOTHER! I am not a machine and it is not fair that I am made to feel guilty about being tired. The same way you get tired of work and feel burnt out enough to take annual leave is how mothers feel like too. A guilt-free vacation from being a parent, sign me up! My mum used to always make us visit my grandfather during school holidays when I was growing up, I get it now, that poor woman was tired. It doesn’t help that we are also very ‘ self sufficient’  and rarely accept any help. Another one of those society things. I wake up every morning to clean the house, clean up after my son, prepare his milk and meals and set up his activities of the day, yet I have a nanny! The ‘self -sufficient’ bug again. Because God forbid I ask for help, what kind of mother would I be who can’t take care of my own children?

I like to think it’s easier for parents who aren’t doing this alone (non-single parents), but I can only speculate. I think what I am trying to say from this short rant is; I should be allowed to be openly tired without being perceived as a bad mother. How else will I get help if I don’t talk about it? This is also to say if there are any other parents who feel like this but have been afraid to say it, you are not alone. And it’s okay, our love for our children always wins out in the end and helps us pass through these moments.

On a lighter note, Leruo is one month away from being a 2 year old! Although it feels like we have been almost 2 for so long. Either way I am proud to be his mommy and proud to have made it so far 🙂

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